Check out this video, where Anth and Judith discuss this initiative.
Haere mai, welcome!
Are you a straight guy living with HIV in Aotearoa New Zealand? We are seeking to create something useful and meaningful for you.
Who are we? We are HetMAN* and Positive Women*. We are your peers. We are women and heterosexual men living with HIV like you. We are pooling the knowledge and experience we have gained from delivering information and peer services in Aotearoa New Zealand and Australia.
You might have noticed that women and queer men have strong, well-established peer organisations in place to service them in Aotearoa NZ. But HIV services tailored to heterosexual men are rare. And heterosexual men have not, so far, been supported to establish networks of their own.
Research and experience tell us that peer-contact can significantly improve the lives of people living with HIV. We are seeking to create ways to allow positive heterosexual men to come together, to meet in safe and confidential settings, to benefit from sharing experiences and knowing that they are not alone.
From our vantage point, we can see the forces at play. We can see that no-one is to blame. We can see how important it is to push for change.
Our work has brought us into contact with a diverse range of heterosexual men living with HIV. Thanks to the trust they have placed in us, we have been able to gain insight into them and the complex factors working against them.
We would like to share our understanding. Everyone is different, but we have noticed some common characteristics that both protect and leave heterosexual men living with HIV vulnerable.
How much of the following strikes a chord with you?
- Heterosexual men are often stoic and demonstrate a great capacity to get on with life after being diagnosed with HIV.
- They commonly update their knowledge of HIV rapidly, getting up to speed with the importance of treatment adherence (taking HIV medicine the right way) and the advantages of undetectable virus.
- To help find a way forward, they tend to keep their status well hidden. They choose when to share and with whom. They do this wisely and carefully.
- Their practice of keeping HIV secret is protective. But with time, it can contribute to feelings of isolation and disconnection. This can take a toll on their mental health.
- Heterosexual men tend to experience HIV stigma strongly, in a way that is similar, but unique compared to others. For example, straight men face a challenge in acquiring a virus that is strongly associated with male-to-male sex. This adds a significant layer of complexity.
- HIV can leave anyone feeling bad about themselves. In isolation, HIV can cause heterosexual men to seriously question their self-value. This process can take place unconsciously.
- Positive straight guys often withdraw from seeking a partner. Or, they decide that only a woman living with HIV could understand and accept them as a long-term loving partner.
- In the background, society places powerful expectations on heterosexual men to be independent and self-reliant. To seek support can be seen as weak. Straight guys can link ‘being a man’ with coping and succeeding alone.
- In contrast, women and queer men generally appear less vulnerable to that pressure, more inclined to seek each other for support and more likely to benefit from the connectedness it brings.
- Heterosexual men living with HIV in NZ are low in number relative to queer men. As a result, they can be unintentionally overlooked by researchers, service providers and policy makers.
- Where women and gay men have mobilised, and advocated for themselves, heterosexual men have soldiered on alone. This could help explain why very few services are dedicated to heterosexual men.
We believe that all these forces combine to keep positive straight men from connecting with services and each other. Hidden and disconnected, heterosexual men miss out.
When heterosexual men living with HIV connect, they get to share strategies for living well with HIV. They provide each other with role modelling. They inspire and support each other. They feel less vulnerable to stigma. They build resilience in each other. They get to see how frequently heterosexual male peers form intimate, long-term relationships with female partners who are HIV negative. They get to see how HIV is not a barrier to having children. Where to from here?
Interested to meet other heterosexual men living with HIV?
Contact Judith at Positive Women judith@positivewomen.nz
Interested to explore what services are available?
Contact Judith at Positive Women judith@positivewomen.nz
You can help us help others by sharing your story with us.
Contact Judith for a confidential, obligation-free chat. As people living with HIV, we understand the importance of mutual confidentiality. We are legally and ethically bound by privacy legislation.
Interested to join HetMAN, or hear more about our work?
Visit https://napwha.org.au/hetman/ and email us on hetman@napwha.org.au
It is possible to attend our meetings and support our advocacy without compromising your privacy and anonymity. We will adhere to and protect the level of confidentiality that you ask us to.
Not sure? Contact us anyway. This is a work in progress. Your input will help us get it right.